Bullets, Bali and letting go...

Hey guys,

Welcome back to my blog, it’s been so long I even forgot my own log in hahaha. I haven’t published since last October, which is crazy. I’m so different since then, life is so different, but the most noticeable external change is probably that I’m back in my hometown in South Wales.

I dreaded that, but thankfully it’s been completely different to what I imagined (good ol’ anxiety selling me a fake dream). Like I said, it’s not been me just getting through each day, pining to be back in Cape Town (although when the surfs good or my friends send me pics of them eating my fave vegan croissants, I do have those days).

There have been some tears, but overall, it’s actually been amazing.

I forgot that the foundations I have built my life upon are solid, that I have a great routine that works for me and my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I have such great friends, family, church and where I live is close to the sea and really, really beautiful.

It’s been good for me to get back to my roots (although If we could export my hairdresser & bestie over here to get rid of my actual roots that would be great) and only by doing so have I been able to reflect and notice the heart work I have laboured long and hard into - paying off in ways I didn’t think possible. That’s what I love about being a Christian, the discomfort, heartache, and pain is always worth it. God really does know better and the freedom we experience from finally setting down the familiar baggage we carry is the most incredible peace I’ve ever experienced.

So, 9 months later, I thought I’d share some of the happenings in my heart and life. We live in a world that flaunts highlights and perfection, we don’t talk about the realities of change, of heartbreak, or how hard some chapters of our life can be; how exhausting healing and growth are; we don’t talk of social pressures, the feeling of not being where we ‘need’ or ‘should’ be in life.

I’m guilty of it – I’ve been through a lot these last few years and my social media won’t tell those tales, but I did always want my blog to be somewhere people come to know they’re not alone.

I write because I do have a life I am very proud of, and yes, I show the seasons I am in bloom, but to get here I’ve cried (I still cry), I still labour long and hard to be better, to be the whole, complete person I am called to be; I’ve been more broken than I thought a person could ever come back from… yet, by the grace of God here I am.

The reason I struggled to publish until now is that in my head this became just a dating blog, and as much as being Cape Town’s Carrie Bradshaw seemed fun, it probably is better suited to someone actively trying to date and I’ve tried it, but this season isn’t one for me to date.

This season is the waiting room. So what am I waiting for?

I’m waiting to be in a position to apply for another long-term visa and find a way to call South Africa home forever; I’ve been back and fore since 2018, like a little foster doggo situation but I’m ready for my forever family to pick me and give me that damn green passport everyone wants to get rid of.

There’s been lots of mixed emotions of coming back and having to face some realities I could previously run from, feeling the hard emotions of being so happy to be reunited with my best friends and family but knowing in my heart I want and have to leave again, and of course the struggle of wanting to want to meet someone and trusting that I’m where I should be in life.

So sorry for the break, here it is, my heart on a platter, my journey for all of you to walk with me through so as per, grab your oat milk latte and I hope you enjoy the read.

Alexa, play Elton John ‘Are you ready for love’

I have a lot of questions about why I’m still single, I guess coming up to 30 people start to wonder how crazy is this chick? I mean, I am quite crazy, but more in a kooky, “I’m grumpy because my period is connected to the full moon on Wednesday” kinda vibe, not “I’m gonna set your house on fire”, although I do have my moments and I really enjoy that song – gets me amped in the gym.

There are lots of reasons I can normally bat it off, men have a bad rap these days; I don’t like dating culture, long distance is a mission, I’m super independent, my focus is on getting my SA visa, I just haven’t found someone on the same page yet…All very, good, valid reasons.

Problem is as much as I enjoy all the freedoms that come with being single and the deeper I’m healing, I am finding myself increasingly more and more ready to adopt one… you know, have a real-life boyfriend and not just for the visa, or boat… although those do help the sell.

Now, the problem is the longer you’re single the more you question how anyone is in a relationship? I’m not lying when I say dating culture is wack if you’re old school like me, it is really hard, because it honestly is just a battlefield of people playing the game “whoever cares the least wins”.

I find myself asking if this is seriously how I’m meant to meet my future husband? Chatting to a guy that asks deep questions like “what’s my favourite colour” (It’s green btw) while he’s talking to 10 other girls, not replying to me for 3 hours so I don’t think he’s keen?

*Deep sigh*

One of the games we play in the dating world is called ‘is this person actually ready to date’ aka are they emotionally available?

Now, 13% of you didn’t know what ‘emotional availability’ is which tells me one of three things: firstly, you’re probably already married and haven’t had to learn the psychology & red flags of the dating such as attachment styles, emotional availability, toxic positivity (well done you). Secondly, you’re at the start of your dating journey or just been re-released to the wild (welcome), or lastly, you’re emotionally unavailable yourself. It’s okay, you’re not alone 28% of us are working on it and that’s all we single folk ask.

Anyway, emotional availability can look like:

Image by @millennial.therapist

We all experience these on some level but a relationship requires vulnerability, emotional intimacy as well as physical. Normally following trauma (a breakup/childhood experiences/etc) we close ourselves off to protect ourselves, build a wall around our hearts.

That’s normal the problem is if we stay this way, avoiding vulnerability - you’re not able to meet your partner and let them close enough to hurt you or love you fully.

Being with an emotionally unavailable partner can be very painful, because you love them, and you know they love you too but in the end it’s just a red flag this person has personal development and healing to do. It’s not saying you can’t journey through that together, but both parties have to be willing to ride that hell of a wave.

I was one of them! Healing is possible (read other blogs) I had to take time out of the dating world to do this. I still have to practice vulnerability (hence the blogs), but it’s been so freeing. For a long time, all I wanted was so trust a guy enough to let them in, but I was terrified to get hurt. I would close off, run off, to protect myself. I could see that hurt my partner (which I never wanted) so I’d be left feeling guilty and frustrated with myself. Internally I was in such conflict why can’t I just be vulnerable/let them in?

Then on the flipside when I healed partly; I actually experienced those feelings on the other end; and then it came “You deserve better”. It so hard because you know you do, you deserve someone that can meet you in the middle and express how they feel, sacrifice and compromise with you, but you love this person. You can even see they want to let you in, but they can’t.

It’s been said to me twice. For the first guy I stayed, and we just kept trying; in my defence it was a complex situation, he had a really, really cute dog; and he did say it along with sending me a poem, A POEM. How can you walk away from a guy sending a poem? I mean I definitely should have called it quits then, he did not step up, but I really loved him - he was my kryptonite and the first guy I was able to be vulnerable with on my side so that was hard. (We’re finally just friends now).

The second one, I also stayed but not much longer after as I could see that he was right, I did deserve better, and I did walk away.

I guess when someone says “you deserve better” it’s just for you to take note and to examine your relationship. Are they really willing and able to give you what you deserve? Is that just for this season where ‘x’ is taking priority in their lives, or is it that they cannot emotionally pour out at all?

All I can say is walking away for me was the best decision, I feel so much lighter like I got my glow back because I didn’t want to sit in the waiting room of someone that wasn’t able to love me, respect me or treat me the way I deserve, and they openly admitted that. At this stage of my life, I want someone that is ready for love. Only you know what is right for you.

It seems that there’re a million reasons why dating is hard and I one day I’ll write a book on it; but I have to say sometimes it’s just that we are human and make mistakes.

Like I said as it turns out, I was pretty emotionally unavailable myself for a long time. I just didn’t know it had a term, I thought it was normal to be able to switch feelings off towards someone, I knew I was scared of vulnerability and didn’t hugely trust men, but I didn’t really notice how quickly I was would run/shut down if I felt uncomfortable, disappointed, or just loved too much.

And why is that?

Unhealed trauma my friends, and that brings us to the next chapter:

Re-opening bullet holes

Coming back to Wales, everyone knew me in my long-term relationship, they knew the heartbreak of us ending and why. For my friends in South Africa, I only ever told a few people our story. I’ve never wrote about him on here, I wasn’t ever ready. I tried so many times but couldn’t.

Even though a lot of healing took place, it’s only in these past months at home I’ve been able to completely let him go (which sounds crazy) but psychology tells us when you have heavily invested in a relationship you will hold on longer and he was my first, true love.

We travelled together, got a house, had a cat. He knew me more intimately than any other guy up to present has. We gave nearly 5 years of our lives to each other; we grew together but it was a really complex relationship - to much so for the 2 of us at such a young age. We didn’t know how to fairly navigate such a situation; I wanted to travel, stay out of the corporate world, and help people. He wanted to continue his family business, be close to his family and settle down.

So much happened… too much to write, but eventually I felt more and more trapped. It was never his fault, I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted, I didn’t fully understand what it was back then. I gave up more and more, eventually losing myself until I felt that I had no other choice than to leave… so I did, in the worst way. I just ran.

The pain of us ending made me carry so much guilt and blame it became a part of my identity. Think of it like getting shot in the stomach, we all know in the movies they grab their trustee pocketknife and dig around in that wound to get the bullet and all the fragments out.

Well, your home girl over here, that was way too painful. It broke me so I buried it.

I hopped on a plane to South Africa and lived with the pain. There was so much going on at that time, my best friend died, our cat died, I moved to a new country and then a global pandemic hit, so many bullet holes I didn’t know how to address.

I think on some level the wound also served to protect me, I could never give 100% of my heart away ever again if he still had a part of it, so yes, I could date someone else. I could even love someone else, but never in all in, never the same way - so I was safe, and I’d never lose myself again.

Gently over the course of these few years God helped me learn how to communicate my needs and be vulnerable without running away; I had to go back and take out all those tiny fragments of all of those bullets, but Steve’s being the last.

I won’t lie it’s hurt, a lot. It’s been a mix of emotions from guilt and embarrassment to still be hurt by something that happened so long ago, but the freedom I’ve felt as result - yeeeww; to be honest about how I feel, to tell God and lay it all down has been worth it.

Like a white dove that’s been caged in my heart for so long, finally free to fly away - I feel peace I’ve never experienced before. Understanding our ex’s will always be a chapter of our story, we can cherish the memories but if we don’t let go our story gets shorter and shorter, when our hearts deserve to flourish and grow and have other adventures.

Image by @Halfwit0.5

I guess love stories romanticise us never moving on, “true love last forever” so we must pine and build a Lake House and they’ll come back to us… I mean sure, you might be Ali and he might be Noah…

Or… we grow up and realise sometimes two people can love each other but [insert reason you didn’t work out] for me, we wanted completely different things from life and forgiving myself was a reminder It’s not selfish to no longer compromise on those things that your heart is called to.

The love I felt for Steve (in some way) will live forever, but God teaches us: from love comes creation not destruction. The love we felt opened new chapters in our lives, unlocked new hobbies, talents, new parts of ourselves that we both needed to find. We both deserve to be happy, to love others, to live a full and abundant life.

For a long time, I didn’t believe I deserved that, so I chose others that reflected that belief, but now I will accept nothing less.

I hope you know what you deserve, I hope you search and find someone you can learn to compromise with and is worth the sacrifices. I do just want to say if you’re not there that’s okay; I found the more I discovered about myself – my attachment style, my coping mechanisms from childhood, going to therapy about it and being around healthy (Christian for me) relationships were all really helpful in my healing journey.

So, now like 41% of you I am ready for love. I still want my dreamy, blonde, South African surfer, that can deal with all the sand and bikinis thrown around my car; that loves the ocean, wants to save the planet with me, can read, is deep and in touch with his emotions, likes a boogie and petting doggos.

Just one that is open to love. That can give me their whole heart, that has time, respect, and the ability to make a relationship work. That can/will communicate, compromise, sacrifice, and put energy in to make our partnership work. I have no time for men that can’t be vulnerable, that can’t say I love you, or I miss you, or stay because I’ve done the work. I need someone that is/has too.

I mean… there’s got to be ONE out there, right? RIGHT?

Alexa, play Ziggy Alberts – Letting go

I get a number of messages on Insta, asking one of two things:

a) If they can be my sugar daddy – which I keep saying yes too but no money has come my way so I’m really starting to get bored of these scammers.

And b) When will I be back in Cape Town/Wilderness…

Well, if it was up to me homies, I’d be bribing a government official for a passport right now, but apparently that’s “morally and legally wrong”. So, I won’t be doing that… but more because I don’t have the cash to bribe YET…

Jokes and/or admissions of guilt aside, South African visas are the bane of my very existence. They make it very hard to get permanent residency or even a visa so you can eventually apply for that. It can be really disheartening; all the policies have recently changed and it’s getting harder and harder for foreigners (unless you are mega, mega loaded) to call it home.

I knew this could be a possibility but the idea of reapplying as a volunteer didn’t sit right. I don’t want to be a long-term guest in South Africa, I want to be a citizen.

So, that’s my focus right now: Finish my Yoga course, start my business, save a heap of money, get the visa…

or… plan b “find a South African husband” *

*T&Cs South African residents only may apply, must be under 40 (I’ve learnt my lesson on older guys). Must fit description above.

It’s a funny thing with visas though, you’d think it’s just a case of collecting all the relevant paperwork and throwing money but no, especially in SA it’s a fast and pray situation – I mean one woman got rejected because she didn’t have adoption papers for her son, that’s not adopted… need I say more.

That’s the future dragon I have to slay but presently; I’m still in my castle, I can see it in the distance, burning up some village but it’s not my village yet lol. Quite frankly that was my rubbish analogy for: it’s completely out of my control. I can’t apply yet for the visa I want because I’m not qualified yet; I can’t magic money out of nowhere or get all the relevant documentation I need to apply.

But I can create a financial savings plan and stick to it, I can research the documentation I need from the UK and South Africa and collect it at the right time, I can create pros/cons lists of my visa options, talk to others in the same situation/specialists. Which I am so I feel very chilled about it.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Consider how the wildflowers grow, they do not labour or spin…yet look at their splendour” Luke 12:25-27

I am doing all that’s in my power but a lot of it is just waiting to be in position. Surfers you know the score, the wind and waves will do their thing, we don’t control that, but we can control our positioning – paddling out to the backline, coming on the inside if it’s a better break, watching, waiting and the paddling your heart out for that wave.

Learning to let go and let God is a lifelong journey that 55% of my follows are walking through, for the other 21% that don’t deal well and 25% that run away; I understand, I’ve been there too. I think we all have a need to feel in control, it can be scary to let go of something we have held on too so tightly, I’ve experienced that but I’ve found in my own life when I’ve faced these situation head on, made the choice to surrendered control, loosened the reins slowly but surely, I’ve been so much happier, lighter, and freer to go with the flow and enjoy the journey.

Now go listen to Ziggy Alberts <3

Alexa, Play No doubt about it- We The Kingdom

When asked if you ‘feel’ (very subjective) you are where you ‘should’ be in life; the results were super fascinating to me. For all of social media’s negatives, I love how honest those of you that voted were and how simply by doing that we can see that we’re not alone in how we’re feeling.

I did just want to congratulate the 16% of you are absolutely nailing life and are in Bali livin’ da vida loca. 13% of you who are also very blessed to not have experienced an existential crisis and haven’t really thought about it.

Then there’s the rest of us.

Well team yes (31%) and team no (40%) we could all go to Bali (not a bad shout) or less fun, but majorly cheaper option you can keep ready reading and hopefully by the end feel a lot more grounded where you are.

Like I already explained approaching 30 for some reason is a big deal to everyone. There’s this expectation that you should have your life together by then (whatever that means?) I mean we all know it means that we should fit into societies picture of a perfect life.

I don’t think I need to explain the milestones you’re expected to achieve by now, but I can stay I’m missing the bar on a lot of them haha; I’m not married, I don’t have kids, a high flying career, or my own pets or a property. Sure, I do own a car, I have now decided what I want to do with my life, but it’s different from the norm and it’s taken a long time for me to get there.

When you look around and all the people around you have all of those things, it can be dispiriting, and we tell ourselves we ‘should’ have more/be further, or we can go the other way and even judge them for having things we don’t deem important.

Neither approach is right.

Living in South Africa things felt different; in Muizies/Komm and Wildos most my homies are unmarried, having a doggo is probably the closest to having kids any of us are getting anytime soon; we work hard but prioritise waves (some of them beers then waves 😉) over the other stuff – I mean, maybe it’s my community and it does make sense I would be drawn to people and a place with the same ideologies as me – I guess that’s why I feel so at home there.

Having a community of people that support you no matter where you are right now helps a lot, also accepting that you are where you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay there. It’s good to have a clear vision of where you want to be, to break down those into aims how to get there and importantly, acknowledge often, how far you’ve come.

I might not have my own property yet, but I did heal come complex trauma last year. I might not be in a committed relationship yet, but I am a really, really committed surfer. I might have taken a pay cut from teaching to work part-time, but that gives me time to finish my yoga course, train, see friends and surf which ultimately make me happier. I don’t have kids, but I have travelled a lot and I’d call myself a great friend.

You see the decisions we make in our lives, work for us and that’s great because it is our life. You might not feel you are where you should be but give yourself credit, there are other successes like loving again after getting hurt; leaving a toxic relationship, being a single parent, traveling the world, learning a new skill, losing weight, building muscle, adopting a growth mindset, supporting yourself during the pandemic, healing from trauma, volunteering, getting a degree (at any age), leaving a job you hate, finding your independence, finding who you are, quitting smoking, etc, etc.

And if that doesn’t work, I’ll see you Bali playaaaas.

PSA: South African homies I will be back for 3 months for my birthday though [November until end of Jan] for all the summertime fun, my 30th birthday, Christmas with my crazy SA family, East Coast missions and catch ups with all my doggos. love and miss you all xoxo