Just For Fun

Homies you are never going to believe I actually finished and uploaded this draft a day before the Feb deadline, I had even made a hilarious joke about God giving me an extra day because He knew ya home girl needed a leap year to meet a deadline — but then life, well it life-d pretty hard and took the air out of my lungs and with it my words.

So I didn’t post it.

In fact, I am only writing this out of obedience, because God stirred me to, that someone out there might need it… maybe that person is even me.

So excuse the rawness, the realness as I re-write this with what feels like my chest wide open, my heart completely broken but at the same time held so closely by a God that knows heartbreak, hurt, any human experience and emotion more deeply than we can ever comprehend.

On Thursday during my quiet time I reached John 11 - it’s where Jesus raises Lazarus from the grave, He brings him back to life. The part that gripped me in particular that day: was that as soon as Mary heard Jesus was coming, she got up quickly and went to Him (v29) and as she reached the place He was and saw Him, she fell at His feet- weeping. (32)

Jesus was so deeply moved by her, and those with hers emotion - He, Himself wept (v35)

I think it gripped me because so many times in my life I have been so hurt, so completely utterly heartbroken the feet of Jesus is the only place I have longed to be. There in His presence is comfort that I do not have the words how to convey, but when loss, grief, heartbreak and even death’s sting has been so sharp it is the only place of solace.

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know how to do life without Jesus.

I don’t know how to get through a single day without Him, let alone when life throws you a series of punches and finishes with a near knock out…

And it breaks my heart that anyone has to go through one moment not knowing how loved by Him they are, how safe they are in His arms.

February had already been a long month, I had felt the bruises surfacing from the past year - I’m trying to heal and give them to God but I didn’t realise how deeply I had buried so much pain to protect myself; yet each day little by little God was bringing it out of me - and homies I won’t lie that is hard… it’s uncomfortable; I saw a picture of me in a boxing ring, battered and bruised from the past, but almost laughing, because I had won. I had an undeniable sense of victory because in Christ, that’s the promise we have.

On Friday, I heard the news my Christian families son… a young man that (along with his brother) were the ones that made me realise I want to work with children. A young man that wasn’t family, but is family…. He went home to heaven, to be with Jesus.

And although I know he is now living in that perfect peace, for those left behind that loved him there’s a very real sting. I can’t even imagine how my amazing, friends - his parents feel right now.

All I can do is stand for them in prayer and trust and know (which I do with all that is within me) that God is with them, and if God’s with them and they are in His arms, there’s no place better.

So with that premise being set here is the rest of the article I originally wrote for Feb…I guess God knew we (I) needed that hope, His hope and blessed assurance that the victory is His and because of that - mine… and ours homies <3

Just for fun…

February has been a long month hey? Which is weird considering it’s well - February.

I think my body has forgotten what vitamin D is, I cannot bare the idea of ever removing my beanie hat and thermal socks and I haven’t seen my legs in 90+ days.

but Monday… gosh British homies… how good was MONDAY?!

It was different. There was a taste of spring the air, the sun was out and although still cold, gosh did it feel good to see a blue sky.

I took a moment upon drawing my curtains to see a plane jetting off in the distance and I couldn’t help but think my life was about to change… [nah, only messing. Sorry could’t resist my inner novelist had to shoot her shot.]

But with that being said, with the sun shining how much easier is it to just appreciate how much prettier, lighter, beautiful everything is… or maybe the sun just opens up our hearts and eyes to how beautiful it has always been?

As I read my daily Psalm this morning the verse jumped out at me “For with You is the fountain of life, in Your light we see light.”

Now if you’re living literally anywhere else in the world you’re probably wondering what the big deal is, I’m essentially just telling you we had a sunny day- well, yes, but homies. The last [what feels like forever]…us British folk have been living in a black and white movie. The Wizard of Oz before she gets to Oz if you will.

I haven’t see a blue sky, the blue ocean or a Harvest Cafe blue smoothie bowl in far too long.

And it takes a toll. One or two days of rain, that’s fine… 2-3 weeks of rain…

Along with the weather, life has just felt a little grey, bland, bleh…

Now it’s not been bad per se… it’s just been slow, uneventful and within myself I have just felt - down.

I’ve done my best to dig deep, appreciate all the amazing things and people, of which there are many — but still my heart had a little ache and pan… for more.

Now, I know more is coming.

It’ll wiz around in the blink of an eye I’m sure. That’s why I really am trying to appreciate every moment of this time in Wales.

But It can just be a little difficult when you’re in the thick off it, staying in that in-between season - soon, but not just yet.

I’m realising we need those hints of spring to get us through the winter.

We need God’s presence, His light to let us see the light.

And although we’re actually due some snow now… I’m so thankful God has let me see His much needed light.

So homies, here’s 2/12. Like I said I’m living in hope this will piece together, but as always, thanks for coming along for the ride. Grab ya oat latte, roll out your shoulders and remember to just have some fun…

Talking of fun - when’s the last time you did something purely for the fun of it?

Not because you have to, or it’s ‘good for you’, it’ll help you in the long run… not because it’ll take you close to your goals/dreams/plans? Not because you financially need to?

Not because your friends are there, or your family ask you to?

When’s the last time you laughed so hard you snorted?

The last time your stomach hurt from laughing so much?

For some of us reading, we’ll look around bewildered “um…like yesterday?” (Not sure why my readers inner voices are teenage girls but we’re going with it).

For others these are surprisingly deep questions. I remember in school just laughing every single day, my stomach would hurt so much and right when we calmed down, gasping to breath… I’d snort laugh and set everyone off again…

That unrestrained joy is so rare in adulthood hey - we get moments of it and I’m so grateful for that but I can’t help but long to invite more of it into my life again.

The joy of the Lord is our strength.

Joy’s a cool one because it’s not happiness, it’s not fleeting and interchangeable with your circumstance. Joy is a fruit of the spirit - meaning we have access to it when we’re spending time with God. It’s a natural produce, in spite of what we face, we can have that steadfast joy, you know the kind that is rooted in your soul.

The way I see it is like an anchor of light beaming through you, as you’ve spent time with The Father.

Much to my dismay, as I have reflected the closet to that joy I’ve felt lately is probably content. I have accepted the UK is home for a little while and that although I’m getting itchy feet; short term sacrifice is in fact worth long term gain…right guys?

But this stage of my life I’m calling ‘arriving at the bridge I thought I’d never have to cross’. That in terms of finance, in terms of emotional healing and in terms of having a 5 year plan.

Gosh I’ve never had a 5 year plan - I honestly thought going with the flow would lead me where I’d need to go naturally and without struggle.. well we can all laugh at that together but for realz

- the avoidant in me is honestly shooketh.

Anyway, wanting to be the new, older, responsible (ew) me I have really been grinding on down, not procrastinating, ticking things off my to-do list from like years ago and getting to a point where what I have longed for, for a long time will actually be achievable.

Which is great, but also I think I’ve been a little too rigid and sucked out the things I love so much that I do just for fun in my life.

I’ve been enjoying having a more structured workout plan as I’m hoping to do a marathon but that means sometimes where running was an escape or I just went out and enjoyed, now there’s a little more necessity to it.

My yoga training became more centred around teaching others so my own person practice was sacrificed; weight training was now altered because I didn’t want to tire out my legs for running and even in terms of other areas of life it was a lot of little sacrifices adding up:

• Drinking coffee at home, instead of going to my fave cafe - to save money.

• Sacrificing what I want to do, to please others...

• Working an extra shift to get more money rather than rest.

• Walking the doggo because she needs it rather than getting out to where I need.

• Feeling guilty for wanting to book a surf trip when I’ll be going away the end of the year.

While sacrificing for the sake of others and to work towards your long term goals is good - we need a little balance; God doesn’t want us to have this miserable existence, mopping around the earth.

And although I have/had been spending a lot of time with Him; I had still lost my joy. Emotionally I was numbing... I thought it was just the weather taking it’s toll on my sun-loving soul - I haven’t been in Wales for a winter in over 6 years… I just thought this is what winter is like? The lack of serotonin, vitamin D does this right?

Well technical yes… but also no; and all It took was a bit of sun, my skateboard and the Holy Spirit to just whisper to me, ay-oh there’s more to life than this.

So, on Monday, I’m not sure why but I grabbed my skateboard and headed out for a good hour, to just skate, to have some fun; not to train or for any particular reason other than It’s fun.

I had forgot how much I love it…and was amped to see how much more confident I’m growing. It did, of course, make me miss surfing (even more) and the surf-skate adventures I had with my homies the last few years. But I was so invigorated, my mood elevated and heart set for the rest of the day.

I just felt that beam shine out of me that I had been missing for a while. I was really, really happy. Not just content.

As I prepared to go home, I felt the Holy Spirit just ask me when was the last time I did something fun… just for me?

And before today…I wasn’t really sure.

So the rest of the day, flowing from my elevated mood and reflecting on the question, I decided to finish up in gym early and head to the sauna and jacuzzi. I took a moment to breathe, to take it all in - looking over Cardiff Bay in the sunshine - and take some time to just talk to God from the heart.

It felt weird to not have anywhere to rush to, anything to do for someone else… to not have to think about what else was on my list for the day, or the workouts for the week, my food prep, saving goals, new job admin requirements etc etc etc…

I looked at my life -that at the moment is so strategically designed for the future; for my goals financially, my goals for my body, etc - I realised I’d left very little wiggle room for what brings me joy right now.

And it took God to reveal that, it’s not sustainable to always be projecting into the future.

It’s good to slow down and appreciate what we have in the present.

God in His incredible wisdom; reminded me in my quiet time as I work through the book of John that He [Jesus] came to give us life and life in abundance (John 10:10). That means a life in relationship with Him and God, but also even Jesus during His time on earth just hung out with friends… It sound so obvious but I had that reminder there’s more than enough room to enjoy the things He’s put in your heart to enjoy. The gifts, the talents, the creativity He’s put in you.

I think I had started to believe (again) that doing things for you is selfish, as sadly, I’m familiar to the pain of other peoples selfishness and never ever want to inflict that on others.

But as a pendulum swings, I had gone too far the other side.

And as much as I love skating, my true love is found in surfing - which I haven’t done in a really long time. Even during my last trip in Bali and Cape Town where I’d normally live around the surf, I was in a relationship where ‘me time’ wasn’t a thing and he didn’t surf so the only surfing I did was teaching.

Which fellow teachers out there know, is just not the same.

Surfing is the only real thing I do for me.

I do it purely, because I love it.

I do it for that child-like stoke, carefree bliss, it challenges me, it energises me, it frees me, and although it does have heaps of health benefits*, it’s not at all why I do it. I never wonder how many calories I’ve burnt or how much my endurance has improved… I do try to get a few more manoeuvres in but really, I just simply love it more than anything else (other than God of course).

*cold water therapy eat ya heart out, cardio, endurance, time in nature, strength, core strength…

And since being home I haven’t surfed yet, sure the cold water is off-putting but previously that would never, ever stop me… I realise there’s something bigger going on in my heart.

So, no wonder life has been feeling a bit grey, hey!

I do find it interesting that I was avoiding the thing that I knew would make me feel better and I wonder how many of us do the same with God?

It’s easy when we’re hurting, or feeling a certain way to run away or to deal with it all on our own; and coming to God means opening up, being soft, vulnerable and open to what His light reveals in both the situations we’re in and in us as people.

We live in a world that has taught us to bury our emotions, lock away our hearts, when we’re hurt we can numb the pain but in doing so we numb the joys of life as well as the heartaches.

I’ll get more into that next time.

I thought I was being responsible only focusing on things that have a long term benefit in my life, but actually I was feeling guilty; which led to me eliminating all the little things; the absolute blessings that also bring me joy.

And man oh man, is life grey without the sun… without fun…without God’s joy…

There is certainly wisdom in sacrificing what we want right now, for what we want long term.

But I’m learning, through challenging my balance skating... maybe there’s a little more balance to this too.

I’m so grateful for my relationship with the Lord, that grows me. That reveals both the things I’m blind to and the things I just simply don’t want to see. I’m thankful for a God that reaches in, in the depths of a grey winter and lights it up to show the signs of spring.

I’m thankful for a God that sees you’re doing okay in life, but wants you to experience so much more that He has for you. A God that cares about what’s going on in your heart, your soul as well as your life. That wants to see you laugh. A God that see’s the root of a behaviour and wants to heal it.

So that’s what I’m working on at the moment, finding a little balance in working towards my goals but also enjoying life and getting back into surfing, skating and back to being me - carefree, light and loving.

Part of that is taking time to heal and feel the emotions my body tries to numb, part of that is saying no to ‘x’ but yes to ‘y’. It’s realising doing the things we enjoy is not selfish, but a gift from God. While it's only been a few weeks; already my heart feels lighter, as God’s light begins to light up the world around me once again.

…And we all know the best way to do that, is a much needed solo surf trip… so March, I’m so ready for you ;)