It’s not about ‘self love’, and saying “me first” but rather, it’s about saying “me too”.

Since returning to Muizenberg at the start of this month, I’ve had so many people approaching me to tell me “I’ve got a glow about me”. It’s a huge compliment because I felt that glow too, like my heart is finally open again and bursting from my heart is a gold, glittery, beautiful light. I think what’s happening is the healing that has taken place on the inside, is starting to radiate on the outside… that and I’ve been surfing lank so I’m super blonde and sun kissed right now… I mean it's defo not a pregnancy glow so we will go with the inner healing.

Jokes a-side, for the first time this year I can honestly say I feel found.

My heart is no longer broken, and like a phoenix I’ve risen from the ashes that was my life.

and you know all I want to do, is help others (mainly women) do the same.

“From the ashes, You make beautiful things. I know because You did it in me” - Elevation Worship.

That’s what God does, He takes the complete devastation in our lives and He lets us rise. I used to ask God to lift me out of those hard situations, but what I’ve realised this year is He can’t do the work for me, it’s not beneficial. Although at times that’s hard, when all you want is the world to stop for a moment so you can catch your breath, but much like a personal trainer, they can’t do the work for you. They can give you the tools, they can support you but it’s you that has to do the work.

They stand beside you, but when it’s hard they kneel beside you and whisper in your ear “you got this”, they sit with you in the discomfort, they wipe away the sweat and tears and their heart swells when they see how far you’ve come… but it’s your muscles that grow, it’s your mindset that changes and on the other side you’re the one that’s different. You’re stronger, more resilient and you will never be that broken again.

That’s what I’ve been doing these last few months, building up my faith. Building up my muscles (both figurative and literally have you seen my pincha yaaaas b*tches).

So many times in my life I have felt so broken because I had given away too much of myself, to my job, to my relationship, my friendships. I was empty and burnt out and even though I was over compensating, I ended up heartbroken anyway.

Sometimes we believe the lie that we are not enough, so we act accordingly. The relationships in our lives shouldn’t exhaust us and if they are there’s a high probability you are giving more than is healthy for you. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a balance, naturally life doesn’t always go to plan and there are times where we need to give more in our relationships to support others, and same there will be times we need to receive more. That’s healthy, but it should not be the standard dynamic.

It’s a scary thing when you’re used to giving more, giving someone the opportunity to not make up the extra (time/love/communication) that you had been providing. It ultimately means that if that person (circumstances in mind) can’t meet you half way then maybe your relationship will have to change.

…because we deserve 50%.

It’s funny because emotionally I’ve felt quite dead for a while, but nothing like doing what scares you to get the heart-strings pulling and tears flowing… It’s the key to feeling alive, changing dead behaviours.

So that’s what I tried to do; last weekend I was shattered hey and it’s a one a year occurrence that I choose Netflix over being social, but I was really in that space… I knew if I went I’d break my two drink rule, and as much as I love a boogie I knew I was only going to see one person.

That’s not a bad thing, why wouldn’t you want to be around the people you love? and normally flip, If I got that text at 11:55pm and curfews at midnight, I’d still run there for that person. But that isn’t healthy, my behaviour was steaming from thinking I need to earn love and if I didn’t go, maybe they’d realise maybe they don’t need me in their life… (T’ings getting deep up in here). But to silence that insecurity, I cried, I text them saying no but offering alternative plans that I was actually interested in and then I stayed. (#thatsgrowthbitches)

I mean the rest of the night I was pathetic, I cried and watched a sad movie… I would love to blame my period, or even the moon… maybe mercury retrograde? But no it was just me, sitting with those hard thoughts and choosing not to run from them.

…and you know what happened the next time I saw them?

Our friendship was better than ever. Not really because anything had changed with us, but because something huge had changed in me.

I realised I was still over-giving, and the reason behind it was almost as a self preservation so I wouldn’t get hurt - if I was always giving more than 50%, then I never gave opportunity for someone else to fail to meet me half way. I wasn’t allowing someone opportunity to reject me, and feed that lie that I’m not enough. I was living in a place of self doubt, and not believing the people that I value most in my life, also value me too.

I was just limiting the amount I let others love me, and when I made a decision that respected my wants and pulled back just that 5-10% it allowed an opportunity for me to feel love.

and that’s exactly what happened. The other person met me.

It sounds a little lame but it was a huge moment for me. It was softly, overwhelming actually, starting to notice my heart come back to life… like time slowed down for a moment and I was hyper aware of the deep-rooted happiness I was experiencing. I was shown love, in a way I understand it and rather than my normal response to deflect it. I just accepted it.

I mean I guess in someways I don’t even know the significance of that moment yet. The knock on effects that will have on future decisions, but I do know that inner healing took place in that moment and my accepted the truth that: “I am valued and I am loved and I am enough”.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a journey I’m still healing slowly and I still have times of numbness. Things happen in our lives, often out of our control and as a form of protection sometimes we block out the very things that can bring us healing. We run and hide from love and acceptance because it’s uncomfortable to hear and accept when our insecurities scream louder than the whispers of true love.

Our bodies and mind adapt to life in the darkness, so when someone comes and shines the light it hurts. It’s uncomfortable for our eyes to see the brightness; there’s an adjustment period, where we need to slowly shield our eyes and experience the headache… but if we keep doing the work, keep challenging those thoughts (lies) that make us compromise on what we need *(more than a healthy amount) then eventually we can move through the discomfort and into a new life, living in the light.

*part of relationships require compromise, and like i said previously there is give and take in this, but if you’re pouring out because you recognise you’re trying to seek approval, or people-please, or earn love then that’s not a reason to compromise.

So that’s where i am right now, having time of letting my eyes adjust and time of loving the sunshine.

As a result I am different, and life feels different. My relationships with those around me seem different.

All because I opened my heart to receiving love and in those moments of vulnerability and pursuing healthy boundaries, those in my life were given the chance to show me love.. they showed me God and all His goodness.

It’s little things like being open to help when I need it, I’ve not had access to my credit card this month so I’ve had to be okay with people buying me coffee, or dinner and it’s been lovely to let those people in my life appreciate me with no obligation (I haven’t actually told anyone) just because they love me and they are kind, they were so generous to me.

It’s letting someone say no to you, even though you’re disappointed. You really want to see that person, but they want to be alone… that’s not a personal rejection to you, and you can show them love by understanding that.

When we take risks in our lives that can challenge our limiting thoughts and beliefs, that’s when healing takes place. That’s when we start to get our glow back.

So what would you say to the people around you if you weren’t trying to seek their approval?

What would you do if you didn’t try to earn love? How would you communicate if you weren’t scared of rejection? If you weren’t always the one running to repair the relationship because you fear abandonment?

Life would probably be very different hey?

I know my life is.

No longer governed by pleasing others, or saying that they want to hear. (Or rather less governed, we’re all works in progress and I’m not pretending I am complete).

It’s not about ‘self love’, and saying “me first” but rather it’s about saying “me too”.

You can do all the yoga, all the meditation, running, ocean therapy, reading self help books; but if you’re still acting from that limiting core belief, you won’t find the healing you’re looking for.

True inner healing comes when we experience love and truth, when that belief is challenged head on and the light, outshines the darkness. That’s when we are able to truly live in accordance to who God made us to be. That’s real love.

So when’s the last time you let someone love you? Not that drunk love after a few beers, but let someone really love you? When you gave them a chance to silence those deep-rooted, limiting core beliefs. When they let you realise you are loved and enough, so you don’t ‘have’ to act a certain way, or say a certain thing or push them away because they see you…

I won’t lie it’s hard to do that, and it’s hard because of others: there will be moments where you ‘disappoint’ them. Where you have to feel the tension in your friendship and not be the one to fix it. There’s real hurt when you no longer meet someone’s expectations of you, but the harsh reality is you should never have to be who they expect you to be anyway. That’s their weight to carry, that shows their healing that needs to take place (as to why they need you to be that to/for them) not yours.

But for the right people, this will be the best thing for your relationships. They will step up and give you what you deserve (that 50% minimum, and more when you need it, less when they need you).

For the wrong people, I won’t sugar coat it, you’ll lose them. The % you pull back won’t be matched and it will hurt, you’ll feel guilty but when you walk away it all feeds back to you showing yourself you are worth more.

The amazing thing is, the more positive reinforcement- the more you’ll eventually start to expect people to treat you a certain way. So then around you will be people whose life you feed into and they feed into yours. You won’t be so exhausted from your relationships but rather you will have an overflow of love to share with those that need it.

Love isn’t always in the grand gestures but it’s in those little acts of kindness of offering to lend one of your surfboards when theirs in repair, it’s giving someone time to vent, it’s lending them a charger, or telling them their worries/hurts are valid, it’s tickling their back and playing with their hair when that’s their love language… It’s an opportunity to talk to someone else’s inner voice and challenge it to believe they are loved without having to earn it.

How beautiful is that?

That everyday we have the opportunity to open our heart to love and so freely He comes to us, and from that everyday we have the opportunity to make someone else know their love, value and worth in return.

Praying you find yours homies.

xoxo