The value of being on your own...

Looking at it, our current society doesn't really place much value in being single, and therefore it doesn't show us how to use this time. Both inside and outside the church there is so much pressure on getting married/having a partner in order to be complete. As we get older, when someone is single we tend to assume the worst, rather than acknowledge that they're complete on their own. I've often been asked why 'a pretty girl' like me isn't yet married, and thankfully I normally have good friends around me to reply something like 'no man can keep up', which is true. It's unhealthy as a society we make the assumption that single people are lacking, when really we're not.

It's been 10 weeks now since I started this journey, and while studying this topic through looking at the Bible, assessing my own life and praying - God's really shown me that seasons of singleness are to be cherished, not resented.

Singleness is a time of freedom, a time to have fun learning and growing into who we are. It's a time to work on ourselves and allow inner healing, as well as a chance for us to discover what it is we desire and value in a partner. I don't think the main purpose for us to be single is to solely make ourselves better for someone else, although that is a worthwhile and wonderful thing - to want to be the best husband/wife you can. I just think the greatest gift we can take from God, and give ourselves is to know and love ourselves completely.

Being alone allows us to: Get to know our identity

Being alone, but following God is an adventure. It gives opportunities those in relationships might not be able to take. Towards the end of my relationship I pretty much relied on my boyfriend for everything, he was so helpful, over the course of time he just naturally became my 'go-to'. So If my car was making a weird noise; if there was an official letter through the door; if anything, slightly inconvenienced me, he'd always be there to save the day. The problem is, I'm naturally very independent, I like to feel the accomplishment of achieving things on my own, so when I lost this about myself, I also lost some of my sense of worth.

Truthfully, being single has allowed me to further discover more about myself than I ever would have in a relationship. It was scary at first, having that comfort taken away, learning to trust myself to make decisions again, but it has been the most fulfilling experience. It's lead to me feeling more comfort in who I am, in what I look like and have more confidence in the qualities I possess than ever before.

It's brought so much freedom that I had lost; for instance I get to live with friends for the first time since University (which is something I love), I get to decide how I spend my time and money; how I decorate my room or how many cats I want to adopt... I currently don't need to consider anyone's feelings or change my schedule to suit their life. It makes me value this season even more knowing that (if there's a guy out there that can deal with the fact i'm a crazy Christian, vegan, hippy that's borderline obsessed with cats, chocolate and surfing) then this is only for a season, and one day I'll have to compromise on some of it.

I just want to encourage you, those that have been single for a while and those that are new to the journey; this isn't a time of waiting to meet 'Mr/Mrs Right', this is a time to find yourself, and for me, I believe truly finding your identity comes from knowing God. Walking through life with Him, reading The Bible, studying scripture, praying and finding a Church (Corona makes it even easier now you can literally watch online); all these things instil in you a new value of being alone, because actually when you're with God you never really are.

Being alone allows us to: Heal

When I committed to walking this season of singleness in March one of the biggest reasons was God showed me how much I was still carrying from the past, as well as the pain from the recent loss of one of my closest friends. It wasn't something I had admitted to myself, in fact I avoided acknowledging it to the best of my ability. I didn't want to take time to dive into my feelings when I could just distract myself instead. Having just moved back to South Africa it was so much more fun to just enjoy the blessings God had given me living here in Cape Town, exploring the beaches, surfing, SUPing, enjoying all the concerts and festivals.

As hard as I tried to avoid it, the pain just found a way out - It began to manifest in the form of anxiety and I developed a real fear of letting someone in, and any time I let my guard down even slightly I'd have the biggest freak out. This isn't a healthy space to live in. So many of us when we're been burnt by a loss of relationship, friendship or grievance take the easy option of building walls around our hearts to protect ourselves from that pain. The problem is those walls protect us from the fullness of life.

We dive back into the dating pool, with these walls on our hearts, carrying unhealed baggage and expect the next person to fix us, or provide enough of a distraction that we can just bury it deeper. The people we date are no longer valued fully, they are used as a form of escapism, which is never what God intended. Each and every one of us is invaluable to God, we are so loved and cherished we need to act that out in our dating, and I believe one of the biggest ways we can honour and respect each other in the dating world is to take yourself out of the scene if you are not in a place of full healing. You can never love someone fully, and in a way they deserve if your heart is still broken. Those walls, those fears, those insecurities you carry will find a way out.

The healthiest thing we can do with them is bring them to God. Psalm 34:18 says 'The Lord is close to the broken-hearted'. God cares about us, He draws close to us when we need Him and when we give Him our pain, He exchanges it for peace, for joy, for healing. It's not a one off experience, during these 10 weeks alone I've laid more at the foot of the cross than in any other time of my life, even things I didn't realise I still held on too. It's been the most liberating experience, being honest with myself that 'this still hurts me' or understanding why something scares me. Knowledge is power and by recognising the root cause of that insecurity, I've been able to let go.

I know that when I get to the point where I'm ready to date again I'm coming to the table with a tender heart, with no walls or baggage, but fully healed and ready to love fully.

Being alone allows us to: Find what we value and desire in a partner.

I found writing this section the hardest, partly because the last time I had to consider what would be beneficial in a partner, I was 20 years old, and funnily enough I've changed quite considerably during that time, not only as a woman but also as a Christian; so what I value in a guy has changed quite a lot. My desires are still pretty similar, I think I've always been drawn to the same type of guy since I was like 17, so as long as they've got that surfer/skater vibe, they're fun, adventurous, have a good heart and value my time I'm pretty content.

The other reason I found writing this part hard is because the thing I value most is my freedom (hence why I have such a heart for those in Human Trafficking) and being single gives me so much more freedom than I've known in relationships. So I'm kind of in that stage now where I know I'm still not ready to date, and as someone that's not much of a forward planner It's hard for me to prepare now for the future, because I'd rather just enjoy where i'm at.

However, I do see there is wisdom in learning this now, while I do have time and while I'm happy in my singleness, as then when I am ready to date, I can make the right decisions and ensure i'm seeking someone that holds values I admire. So I'll be less vulnerable to being led by my feelings - This has been a problem for me in the past, I get so swept up in how I feel that I let my values fall to the sideline, but eventually when the rose tinted glasses have come off, I run for the hills realising this isn't what I want. I think this is common, especially those coming out of a long term relationship, we can dive in too soon, having not considered that what we desire and value in a person has changed over those years, so we seek what we know and we're left disappointed that "all men are the same", when thankfully, they really aren't...

Ben Stuart is a pastor of Passion City Church, during this time I've watched a lot of his Youtube videos about Dating. He offers a lot of Godly insight and wisdom, relating to modern day society and what the Bible says about what qualities to look for. Honestly, they are great! (I'll link some videos below) He found that "often when asked what qualities singles seek in a potential partner, they end up describing the idolised version of themselves." This is where I found myself just a few months ago. I mean, although dating the male version of myself (as great as he would be) I don't know if it would be completely beneficial to my life (and I really need someone that can keep track of where my keys are).

...so who or what would be?

I never really thought about this too deeply because I always thought God had one perfect person out there for me, that was predestined to find me, but the more I dive into this topic, the more I'm now leaning towards the fact God gives us the choice. This is actually a little unnerving for me, as someone that can't even commit to picking a house plant, the idea of picking my future husband is quite scary. I mean wouldn't it be so much easier if one day I'm going about my life when the hot, Christian, surfer, that loves cats (and isn't texting his ex); that God's always planned for me to meet, enters my life, and we run off into the sunset, surfboards and all?

Okay agreed, it's a bit much... but It's easier to just assume the perfect person is out there trying to find me, than to accept maybe I need to put some work into this.

The saving grace is, God is there to guide us. By using singleness well, and getting to know our true identity, allowing the inner healing we need and following the path He's set us on, God puts us in the position where He can trust us to make our own decision on who to date and then marry. The whole point of dating is to evaluate people, but often it's all about what that person can do for me, or how do they make me feel. I'd suggest looking far deeper than the surface and examining their heart, so: Is the person trustworthy? Are they kindhearted? Can you be vulnerable with them without fear of judgement? Are they generous? Are they forgiving? Do they work on themselves, or do they expect you to fix their bad qualities? Do they know God? Do they bring you peace? Can they give you their time? How do they spend their money? How are they using their singleness?

We don't ask these questions to judge and feel morally superior, but to evaluate if they're on the same page as us. If they're money orientated and would rather save to live a comfortable life in later life, but you value quality time and would rather spend all your savings on travelling, then are you going to be able to give each other a life that serves you both? We have to be real with ourselves, and each other, looking past the connection we feel and really evaluating whether we can live out our God given purpose with this other person, and if we can't having the strength and integrity to be honest and walk away.

When you realise how loved you are by God, you don't want to accept anything less for yourself. That goes for all things: jobs, friendships and relationships. Jesus came to give us life, and life in it's fullest (John 10v10), that's in whatever season we're in...whether single, dating or married. You are complete all on your own and when you accept that, you'll grow. I can only encourage you to get you know who God made you to be, take the time you need to heal and to learn what it is you're looking for. Lastly I hope you learn that society is wrong and you can be truly happy alone, because with God, you never really are.

For the series Ben Stuart does on Dating click the link here: it's called Single, Dating, Engaged, Married.