The season of preparation...

Hey guys, so it's been a while so I thought I'd give a little re-cap and update. Life's been a hella lotta crazy these past few months. I mean, when I first started this journey I knew it was going to be one of growth and healing but I really didn't have any idea how much work that would really involve, I also didn't think it would coincide with a global pandemic which in itself has been a wild ride; but all in all as I get to the last segment of my journey (can you believe I'm like 5 weeks away from the end) I've started to notice how to focus of this season has shifted.

The first few month the focus was really just on not dating, and obviously due to lockdown that was pretty easy, I didn't really get to see anyone outside of my work and home bubble, even if I wanted too. Although that time was worth while, It allowed me to actually challenge myself about whether I was really ready to date, and if I wasn't how harmful that could be to someone else. It also highlighted for me the kind of things I should look for in the next guy, which you know is good to know but it was all fairly surface level stuff.

However, these last few months I felt God really shake up my life, He stated showing me this time is a season of preparation, not one of 'Singleness' (although I am single) the focus isn't really about that anymore.

When I tell you this last month/six weeks (lockdown has made me lose all perspective of time) has been uncomfortable I think it's the biggest understatement; the only way I can describe it is as having your heart stretched. Personal growth and healing although you know to the depths of your soul that it's the right thing, and It's something once you start you can't really go back from, so there in the midst of this extreme discomfort you have to press onward. The way I saw it was like when you go caving, the caves get smaller and smaller, it's pressed against you but the way you came in, is so dark now you can't go back... you can only move forward. So that's what I did (I'm doing) and although I feel like I've really grown as a person in this short period of time, I know it's a journey that continues throughout our lives. Always adapting and changing, becoming better and more of the people God calls us to be.

God's shown me during this time that there's power in our prayers, what we pray for, He prepares us for. It's taken me 5 months to see this, but this whole journey has been an answer to my prayers. The end of last year I started praying to be more of the person God's called me to be, and I also looking back at my journal I around the same time I started to pray for my future husband - it's not something I've really done before but I found myself over giving energy to the wrong people, I just wanted to find a rad, surfer, with a good heart to just adventure through life with... I wanted to find my guy best friend (that I can kiss haha).

The problem was even if the right guy came along, I was in a place of running from my emotions, one of my best friends had passed away, which was so painful that I ran from what I felt - as we all know, that doesn't really work and as a result I had developed a fear of vulnerability and being hurt. Being so scared stopped me from being able to be the person God wants me to be because I wasn't able to let people in fully enough to love them, like He loves us. It also meant I wasn't emotionally available enough to date in a way that honoured God.

So in order for God to answer my prayers, He had to take me out of that place. He called me out of the dating world and into this time: to heal the parts of me, my mindset, my fears, my hurts and scars in order to prepare my heart, mind, soul and life. Like I mentioned earlier it's been a painful process, digging deep and allowing inner healing to take place. It's involved acknowledging some hard things, unlearning some beliefs I carried with me about men, and learning to be vulnerable, even when that's the scariest and hardest thing to do.

So that's the place where I had been sitting, in the brokenness of grief, but the completeness of God's love.

Allowing myself to stay in that uncomfortable place, produced the greatest results so now I feel like I've been through the hardest part, and although I acknowledge this is a lifelong journey using these skills I've learnt to keep growing, keep healing I'm just enjoying this season of fruitfulness from the work I've put in. I can see pieces of myself that I hadn't seen in years have started to come back. I've started to be creative again, starting to draw for the first time in years, to dance and write...

God's been showing me that I'm now entering a new season of my life where I'm putting in the foundation steps to start a project placed on my heart, things I've thought about and prayed about for years are starting to fit together. I feel renewed, refreshed and like I've got the jump back in my step.

Growth is an ongoing process and healing isn't a one time thing. We repeatedly have to work on ourselves, challenge our thoughts, our attitudes and it changes our life. I'm thankful for this season, although there have been times were I wanted to just quit, I'm glad I didn't. I'm thankful for friends that have held my hand through the discomfort, for all the little things like sunsets that have brought me joy and peace when I've needed.

I have 5 weeks left of this journey and I'm excited to see where this final chapter takes me.